Idiocy

Ello there!

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You might probably be wondering whatever happened to the poor guy involuntarily gesticulating on the matted floor, well you’re going to have to keep wondering a little more! Hahahahahah! (hysterical facial expression insert here)…

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Well seems like it’s been a while since I last visited this here neck of the woods. So It’d be good to stick some words in hereabouts, ey?

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Lets see, lately I’ve been thinking about my adventures on the open highway. Well specifically my extremely offensive driving. Where I come from, a majority of the vehicles on the roads I plod never see the other side of 30 (kph that is), so when you’re in a vehicle with a respectable amount of horsepower you wouldn’t want to mirror everyone else’s progress, or lack thereof, would you? Ok, so it’s all relative. See if I were on the autobahn, then the definition of ‘offensive driving’ would be in another dimension entirely. Ahhh, but then notice I placed ‘extremely’ as a qualifier!

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So let’s get to the adventures, specifically ones of the life-endangering kind.

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Scenario A: Imagine a two-lane concrete road barely 20 feet across with run-offs on both sides. This road is elevated relative to the surrounding terrain by 3-5 feet. This is an example of a "highway" around these here parts. Now imagine travelling down this highway at no less than 180kph. The vehicle is occupied by 5 souls, one of whom is a tad overweight. He is seated on the right side of the back seat, you hear a high-pitched humming sound, an indication of increased airflow and/or wind resistance from that side as the air passes in between the right-rear tire and the chassis due to the imbalance in payload weight. At any moment a wandering carabao (water buffalo) can do a little hop onto the "highway" to get to the greener patch of grass on the other side…cool.

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Scenario B: It’s almost 11pm. It’s pitch dark, since our highways don’t have halogen street lamps out there in the middle of nowhere. I see 480km on the odometer which I reset that morning before setting out, yet I’m still 2 hours away from home. I’m travelling at a good 100kph clip playing chicken with the unseen beyond the reach of my headlights at high beam. Some folks around here, mind you, don’t realize the importance of functioning headlights. There I am singing my heart out to some rad christian pop when I notice the dim headlight of an oncoming pedicab (motorized-tricycle) on the opposing lane. I give it no second thought as I prepare my vocal chords for the tenor-pitched chorus (like I had a chance to reach that friggin note)… that’s when sudden terror grips me as I notice the concrete road on my side suddenly drop down to a 10-foot pile of rocks (why are our roads perpetually under friggin repair??!!! And there’s not even a hint of a warning sign!!!). This is where the singing turns to screaming (hey, I CAN reach that note!) That pedicab (probably doing all of 30kph) is blocking the only way to preventing CFIT (controlled flight into terrain). I slam on the brakes and at the last second just before I go over, the pedicab clears the good part of the road and I swerve hard (roll-over warning… hey, I still woulda died anyway) to get on that patch of good road, I swear the outer half of my right-side tires had nothing to work on for traction. Okay hold the singing for when I get home…

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Scenario C: Going home from the north. Again it’s the middle of the night and it’s pitch dark on our "highway". My headlights are on low beam. I strike up a conversation with my passenger, and we start laughing our heads off. In the distance a lone headlight. Looks like it’s running on a pair of AA batteries. Hey the road’s a bit wider, that motorcyle in the distance looks like its hugging the opposite side of the road anyway. No problem if I drive down the centerline then (offensive driving of the worst kind), right? Wrong. Two seconds before my ride and the motorcycle pass each other, I do a cautionary flick to engage high-beam. That motorcycle has instantly transformed into a 10-ton dump truck with a busted headlight on one side, and I’m heading right for it. I clear the friggin truck by 2 feet. Heck, if you can afford a truck, you can at least scrounge up enough to buy a light bulb!

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Scenario D: It’s raining frogs and I’m headed north on another business trip. I’m taking the AUV for this trip. It’s the open road and I’ve crossed into another province with more respectably sized highways, so my foot becomes a lead weight. Hmm, what’s that on my rearview mirror, woah there nelly, a sedan overtakes me. My foot triples in weight. Here begins the chase… I stick to his/her? butt for the next 10 miles, on the long stretches I slowly catch up but when we get to the twisty bits, the lower profile bugger ooozes away. I smirk, ey mate, if I had your ride I’d put it to good use. Pick up the pace kid! We’re now on a slope heading down the curve to a bridge, the road’s wet, so many frogs I can’t see more than 200 meters ahead. The sedan has pulled away again, it gets through the curve (ga-curbada’g shen) and over the bridge no problem. I enter the curve, when suddenly my rear tires lose it. Induced oversteer! I’m now headed for the bridge rails…(so this is how it looks before you go over…), inspiration from heaven - i get the presence of mind to take my foot off the gas, a slight twitch of the wheel to the left, another correction to the right… I’m through the bridge on the highway centerline. If there had been anyone on the opposing lane…satiate your imagination.

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Scenario E: Ok heading south in the sedan. EBD, ABS, stiff suspension, SRS airbag, seatbelt fastened. I’m invincible. I admire the green sugar fields on both sides of the road. Traffic is light. I turn right onto a stretch of highway at least 1 mile long and it’s deserted. Let’s see what this baby can do. Lead foot engaged. Into fourth and I’m about to hit 170. Oh yeah there’s a descending curve up ahead. Foot off the gas…ooops hit the curve a bit hot. I overshoot the apex and head straight onto the wrong side of the road at the bottom of the slope. I overshoot the opposing lane and hit the gravel with my left-rear tire as I try to recover. The tire kicks up a lot of dirt, and my rear tires lose traction. I swerve right to get the car on the correct side of the road just missing a truck on the opposing lane. But darn it there’s a line of 30kph pedicabs on my lane! I swerve onto the opposing lane once again just missing the butt-end of the truck. But the manuever threatens to spin the car, so I turn hard right, only to see I haven’t passed all the pedicabs yet, to the left I go, uurk! the gravel…to the right it is! Thank God there isn’t any more opposing traffic as I do a slalom course like in a competition from hell on the opposing lane, i probably woulda won Gold…

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Well that’s just the tip of the iceberg from my ten years of plying the "highways" of the province. Happy driving!!!

Let’s say you are the President of your class.

There are 20 people in your class. They all earn some money from
cutting grass, washing cars, etc. They all contribute half of their
earnings to a common class fund.

You all want to use the class fund for a graduation party, for
decorating your classroom, for buying some computer games that everyone
in the class can use. You also want to use the class fund to buy some
basketballs and maybe a shotgun or two, for "defense".

But then some of your classmates don’t work, or are too lazy to
work. They can’t contribute to the class fund any more. Some of them
don’t even have lunch money. You have to get some money from the class
fund to buy them their lunch, every day, because as President you are
responsible for their well-being.

But this uses up the class fund. And you know what, sometimes you
sneak some money out of the class fund to buy beer for you and your
friends.

On top of this, your lazy classmates keep bringing their dogs and cats to school.  You have to feed those, too.

Now the class fund is depleted. Some of your classmates are still
contributing, but many are getting away with no contributions. They
don’t see any point in paying for lunch for lazy classmates, or beer
for the Class President and his friends.

Now the class fund is no longer being replenished. So you go to the
next classroom, talk to the President there, and borrow some money. He
lends you $100. You then go back to your class and buy people some more
lunch. And you also buy a beer for yourself.

Soon even the $100 is used up. The classroom has not been
decorated. You have not had a party. You never did buy those
basketballs and computer games. And forget all about buying that
shotgun.

You have to borrow some more money from the next class.  But you have not paid your first debt.  So now they refuse.

Then some of your classmates get disillusioned with your class, and
they transfer to other classes. Those who work hard and are intelligent
are accepted into the other classes. Those who are ignorant and lazy
are left in your class.

What now?

It’s pretty simple. Gross Domestic Product, or GDP, is the sum
total of all your classmates earnings from their jobs and chores.

The Budget is the class fund. You are using up your budget for feeding
people who can’t or won’t feed themselves, and for feeding dogs and
cats who don’t contribute anything to the class, and for a bit of beer
(corruption) on the side.

You wanted to buy some computer games that you could have rented out to
other classes (exports), to earn more money (increase the class GDP).
But that never got off the ground.

You wanted some shiny shotguns for your "defense" (Air Force), but you are totally broke.

Now your classmates are pissed at you for mismanaging the entire
thing. The class chairs are broken, the airconditioning doesn’t work,
everybody who used to work hard has left.

Only the idiots, the ignorant and the lazy remain.

Then they decide to beat you up and throw you out of their class,
so that they can elect a new President. Then the new President buys
more beer with what is left of the class fund. The cycle continues.

The GDP of the Philippines is growing 4%.  Every year, the population who work earns 4% more money than the last year.

But the population (the cats and dogs you have to feed) grows by
2.5% every year. You need to feed all of them from the GDP — because
the GDP is all the money a country will ever get.

And the cost of school lunch is going up 5% a year.  The price of lunch for your classmates is 5% more expensive than last year.

So, your income is growing 4%. But your population is growing 2.5%,
and inflation is 5%. The growth in income is not enough to feed the
additional cats and dogs, and to pay for the more expensive lunch food
every year.

You are in a downward spiral.

Do you see the problem?  Do you see the solutions?